She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
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She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
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I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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