She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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