3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
