i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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