Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
