I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
