She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
