why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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