"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
