bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just had sex on a roof
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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