dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
