They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
