Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
