I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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