he shaved USA in his pubs
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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