he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
