he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
