I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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