I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
