Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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