White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
