I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
