haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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