my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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