Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
