: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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