i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
