The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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