There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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