you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
