i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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