I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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