Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
