can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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