This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
