At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
