Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
