Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize