He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
