So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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