Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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