i think i have two assholes
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
