Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
