yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
