I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
