My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
