I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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