When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I want a musical about memes.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
