hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
