Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
