hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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