Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
