tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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