I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
