I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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