meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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