You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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