I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
