It's Friday. Sex?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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