my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
