you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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