someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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